Legalize Parsley

2nd Block:
D was in ISS for most of the period but came in for the last 10 minutes of class. I was in the middle of a lecture on the difference between herbs and spices, and had examples out on a table.

D immediately grabs the parsley and tries to pour it on a sheet of paper, but I stop him.

D: Hey I was ’bout to roll myself a fat blunt.
Mr. C: You won’t get high off parsley. It’s an herb, but not that kind of herb.

Drunk is the Legal Drinking Age.

1st Block with my Seniors:
(warning contains abusive/offensive language)
C showed up for the 2nd time this semester and started this conversation with me:
C: Man i’m drunk as fuck.
Mr. C: (silent stare)
C: You know Old English?
Mr. C: What?
C: The beer.
Mr. C: Sure.
C: I drank 10 Old English today. This morning waiting for the bus, I had 2 Newports. My homey, he got ’em for me, cause I can’t get ’em.
Mr. C: Yeah, because how old do you have to be to drink C?
C: 22.
Mr. C: Well 21, but that just further proves my point.

The Terminator

4th block:

K walks out of the gym looking sad and walks past me:

Mr. C: What happened?
K: (whimpering) It bit me.
Mr. C: What? What bit you?
K: A bat.
Mr. C: A bat, really?
K: Yeah we gotta bat in the gym. Can I call the terminator?
Mr. C: (Pause) Well the exterminator is for bugs, i don’t think they handle bats K.

Slow Shotguns

In 2nd block, I listened as my 8th graders debated how powerful shotguns were: (contains offensive language)

C: Shotguns ain’t powerful bra.
J: Like a pump-
C: A pump is a shotgun.
J: Pump is like a shotgun.
C: A pump is a shotgun. You slow.
J: They different kinds of shotguns bra.
D: A shotgun gon’ shoot your head off bra.
J: The bullets spread all out. The motherfucka’s gon’ stay in there until they hit you.

Bell rings.


Boxer Briefs and Chubby Chase

In 2nd Block, I tuned into this part of the conversation with my 8th graders.
(warning contains abusive/offensive language)

D: Dude was in his boxers.
J: The fuck?
M: Haha! Boxer briefs lookin’ ass nigga.
J: I wasn’t in my boxers bra.
D: You was, and you was talkin to this big girl.
J: What big girl I talk to?
D: You know who I’m talking ’bout.
J: What big girl I talk to?! Bra!
M: Chubby chase!
J: I just said I like girls with a little meat on dey bones.
J: Pinky got a little meat on her bones.
D: She big bra.
M: She is bra.

Kilts and Bras

In 2nd block, instead of doing their work, my 8th graders decided to have a conversation about guns and being shot.

(warning contains abusive/offensive language)
M: She got shot in her ass and didn’t know it.
D: How you gon’ get shot in your ass and not know it bra?
M: This girl got shot in her titty, she was all driving to the hospital and didn’t know.
J: Fo real?
M: My uncle got shot in his arm. He dead now though. A blood kilt him. Came all the way from Cali to kill him.
J: This nigga was a blood, then he got shot in his back, and then he switched to a G bra. I sware bra, I’m not lying bra, he switched bra. I said bra —
C: Shut up bra. He didn’t get shot in the back, he would be paralyzed bra.
J: My homie Robert was blood. Then this dude was trying to fight over this girl. He was burnin’ on him. He said man I’m gon pistol whip yo ass!
Mr. C: Alright, i’m tired of hearing about people getting shot, let’s get back to work.

Wishbone, Trash Bags and the Paper Clip Man

R finished his crossword puzzle for the review, and wanted to go to another classroom. He leaves with another student, N (who isn’t in my class but is skipping his other class), and goes downstairs to talk to the “computer teacher.” They come back up and tell me that they have permission from her to go to her room. I call them and they says this is not the case. The principal had recently made an announcement that students are not allowed to visit other classrooms, which is what I told R the first time he asked to leave. So now I have to tell N and R that there plan to leave isn’t going to happen. I set the phone down:

Mr. C: Guys, Mrs. P can’t have you guys come downstairs.
R: What?! She just said we could.
Mr. C: Well I told you we can’t have students visiting other classrooms, plus we only have 20 minutes left of class.
N: No you told her we couldn’t come down, I heard you.
Mr. C: We both said-(interrupted)
N: You better go on you wishbone lookin’ ass.
Mr. C: Wishbone? N you aren’t even in my class, how can I vouch for you?
J: Wishbone ass haha.
J, who has been working on his assignment finished a section and wants to do the rest later.
J: Aight dude I’m done with dis shit.
Mr. C: You still have time to do the definitions in the next section.
J: Come on man, I only got 1 section until im caught up!
Mr. C: Actually you have 3 sections left until you’re caught up.
N: Ohhhhh. That nigga said “Well actually you got 3 sections.”
Mr. C: I’m just being real. You’re close but you can do these.
J: (whining) Mannnn.
Mr. C: Look there are only 5 definitions, you can easily knock these out.
J: (grunts) Well what page is it on.
As I show J the page, Re grabs a trash bag, and walks over by me.
Mr. C: R, you taking the trash out?
R: Yeah, paperclip man. (I had a paper clip on my pants.)
As I’m helping J with a definition, R walks behind me and puts the trash bag over my head. I take the trash bag off my head.
Mr. C: R, quit playing around.
N: Shit you done scooped ’em up!
R: Nah i’m just playin’.
R goes behind N, and puts the trash bag on his head.
N: You betta stop bitch.
Mr. C: R, put the trash bag up or I’m going to make you take out the trash for real.
R: Aight.
N, J and R all go into the gym to play basketball.
J: (after 3 definitions) Aight I’m done man.
Mr. C: Alright, you can finish the definitions on Tuesday, and then I’ll help you with the questions.
J: Aight.

With 5 minutes of class left, J goes into the gym. I refill my coffee cup and head into the gym as well.

You ready to die?

One of my students walked up to me at my desk today with a broken piece of metal from a desk and raised it in the air:

R: You ready to die?
Me: (chuckle)
R: (mocking) huh, you think that funny? So…is you ready to die?
Me: No R, I’m not ready to die. I still have a lot to do so come back later.
R: Aight.

Then he walked off.

Yo species.

(I tuned into this part of the conversation)

N: You do look Chinese though.
J: Shut up white Chinese.
S: Aren’t you Indian or something?
J: what if I is?
S: Don’t you get money cause you have Indian in you?
J: What is you talking about?
K: If you a certain type of species, you get money.
S: Yeah, yo species. Like White, Black, Indian, Chinese, Mexican.
J: Nah, my brother’s baby momma from Iraq though.

Snoop, my brother from another mother.

One of my students, who has skipped my class for the first 3 weeks of school; came in today and this conversation transpired:

J: You know who you look like?
Mr. C: Who?
J: You look like a white version of snoop dogg.
S: He do look like snoop dogg, you right.
Mr. C: Okay, thank you?
J: I’m just sayin’