One Liners and Leftovers

These are all of the leftovers and one-liners I have had written down from the last 2 years teaching Culinary Arts and English here.
C: Man I need to sleep.
I didn’t sleep all weekend.

R: They had me hot bra.
That’s why I busted all the windows.
They had me hot.

K: When that boy blow up that school, I’m gonna sue your ass.
That boy from Iraq, fuckin’ terrorist.

J: I say this on my dead granddaddy.
I put this on Jesus.
I put this on God.
I ain’t gonna lie on God bra.

K: Why you diggin’ in yo nose and shit?
R: I gotta booger in dat bitch.

S: Where my boo thang at?

D: Bra we gots to make that video bra.

J: You know what the best food is?
That jail food. That spaghetti is on point.

R: My name ain’t R in here, my name Bobby Filet.

J: Man I need a suit so I can steal.

M: They say when you drink kool-aid, that be the color you piss out.

R: Is you from a human? Cause every human spose ta eat meat.

I turn around and one of my students has filled a pitcher with water and had a bag of sugar.

C: You can tell I’m from the projects bra. (starts pouring a ton of sugar in the pitcher)
Mr. C: C! That’s gross, don’t pour sugar in there. No!
C: I’m black, I love sugar water.
Mr. C: I don’t care if you are black, that is too much sugar.

J: This fuckin’ apron broke.

Mr. C: What flavor ramen did you get?
R: Doody.

J: Man I fixin’ to get a sprite and take a shit.

J: How you gon rob a robber?

Mr. C: Do you want to help R cook waffles?
J: Nah I fixin’ to take a shit.

J: You use the bathroom but you didn’t clean it.
M: Sanitize it.
J: Sanitize your breath.
L: Sanitize your god damn lip.

R: Bra I’m 17. I spose ta be in the 11th grade, but I got locked up. I missed 5 months of school.

J: Your breath straight smell like a shitty diaper.

R: Y’all be bullshittin’, I can’t go no week without drinking water. I straight drink my piss.

Blessed Oil

M walked in the door, obviously irritated that they have to be here on the last 2 days of school:
Mr. C: Hey M.
M: I told y’all I didn’t want to be here today.
Mr. C: Yes you did.
M: My Grandmammy said “You’re going to school.” And I said “Not if I’m sick.”
Mr. C: Well you aren’t sick.
M: My Grandmammy doesn’t use medicine, she uses blessed oil. That stuff doesn’t work.
Mr. C: Hmm.

Catch Me If You Can

R started in on this:
R: I missed my court date, when I brought that weed to school.
Mr. C: Oh yeah?
R: And I didn’t call or nothing. They said if you don’t call, you gon have to go to jail.
Mr. C: Why didn’t you call?
R: I’ll put it like this, the police gon have to catch me.
If its that serious, y’all have to catch me, and it ain’t easy.
All my life, the police ain’t never catch me.
Mr. C: They eventually will.

Gun and Citation

First thing in the morning:
K: I missed my court date.
Mr. C: Oh yeah?
K: Yeah. And you know what, I’ll just be honest I don’t give a fuck, I might as well
do my time.
R: You might as well.
Mr. C: So what happened.
K: Remember that day I took off running during school?
Mr. C: Yes I do.
K: Well I went to the projects, and we were riding around in this car. Then this truck driver tried to run us off the road so I took the gun and I
stuck it out the window.
R: Ohhh.
K: That truck driver done called it in.
2 cops drive past us, and I was like “hey pull into this Macdonalds,”
and I threw the gun.
The cop pulled us over and I got a citation.
Mr. C: You threw the gun?
K: Yeah and I still got a citation, they went off what the truck driver said.
Mr. C: Well just be glad they didn’t find the gun.

Hands On

The student that I had to press charges on came back to school this morning after being suspended for 5 days.
(I walk in the door.)
Mr. C: Hey S.
S: I’m sorry Mr. C, you just got on my bad side.
Mr. C: It is alright S.
S: I won’t put my hands on a teacher again. I don’t want to go back to juvenile.
Mr. C: Good.
M: You got arrested?
S: Yeah Mr. C got me arrested.
Mr. C: No, that was actually over my head. That was the principal’s decision.
S: Oh. Well that cop was a bitch. I asked him to go get my hat and he didn’t.
Mr. C: I’m sure he had a lot of other things on his mind.

Hot Like a Slave Ship

On the way back from breakfast.
D: It’s hot in this school.
Mr. C: Well take your jacket off.
D: Nah, it’s hot like a slave ship.
Mr. C: Hot like a slave ship? Really D? You are going to try to pull that?
D: Yeah you know like back in the day.
Mr. C: Well first of all this is a school, not a slave ship. And secondly we have air conditioning.

Rap Sheet Citation

Yesterday my student came to school late, walked out of ISS and into another classroom and whispered something to some students. When I tried to get them back in they ran down the stairs and out the back door of the building into a nearby neighborhood.
The student walked in this morning:
Mr. C: You booked it yesterday.
K: I what?
Mr. C: You ran, fast, you booked it out of school.
K: Yeah, but they got me.
Mr. C: What?
K: I got a motherfuckin’ citation.
(Pulls out a rolled up piece of paper and opens it up like a scroll and reads)

The juvenile was the passenger in his friend’s vehicle, pulled over in a PD investigative stop.
The juvenile was the suspect of being armed.
The juvenile was supposed to be in school at the time of the stop.
A pistol was found in the glove compartment of the vehicle.

Mr. C: Wow, that’s quite a rap sheet there.
K: Yeah.
Mr. C: Whose pistol was it?
K: Man I don’t even know.
D: How many strikes is that?
K: Pssh I gotta go to court.
Mr. C: Yeah.
K: And 9 times outta 10 they gon’ lock a nigga up.
I ain’t gon’ do no god damn time.
If I do a month, that ain’t shit.
Mr. C: This may be a reality check for you K. You can’t keep going around doing these things without consequences.
K: Yeah I gotta stop messing around, I just might as well go ahead and do my time.
Mr. C: Yeah.

Heely’s and Tony Hawk

A discussion on “Heely’s.”
K: Do you know them shoes that you can be rollin around on?
Mr. C: Heely’s?
K: Yeah, when they first came out, my brother and I got our first pair at the same time.
Mr. C: Oh yeah?
K: We skated down the aisles while my mom was shopping.
Mr. C: That sounds fun.
K: We were skating everywhere we wanted to skate.
S: I got me a pair of those too.
Mr. C: They were pretty popular for a while.
S: Yeah I was Tony Hawking down the hallways, having too much fun.
Mr. C: Well until they banned them from the schools.
K: Yeah, they was fun though.
To my knowledge, this is the first time Tony Hawk has been used as a verb.

He Dead

Overheard a discussion on pills:

J: My bus driver, he took 4 horse tranquilizers and drove the bus. He was high as hell.
A: This kid at my school popped 4 lortabs, and 2 bars…he dead.

Eggs? Cuff Me Bra.

During dismissal.
K: Man these buses be takin’ too long. I wanna go home.
Mr. C: Well they can’t let all of you guys out at once, so they call which buses come first.
K: They just need one big ass bus to take all the kids home.
Mr. C: Well that would take forever, instead of having separate buses go in different directions, they just have to do one giant loop, you wouldn’t get home until about 7 o’clock.
K: You need to get up about god damnit 4:30 in the mornin’ and pick our asses up.
Mr. C: I’m talking about when school gets out. They might as well put a teacher on the bus to teach you something because you would be on the bus so long.
K: You could be on the bus.
Mr. C: I don’t know about that.
K: Yeah if you rode the bus, I would say “hey get off at this stop,” and you get off, I straight egg you.
Mr. C: You carry eggs on you at all times?
K: Yeah, I be havin’ eggs all the time.
K: I egg you like I egged this gal’s car the other day.
Mr. C: You can get arrested for that, you need to be careful.
K: Cuff me bra. (puts hands out).
Mr. C: (stare.)
K: Nah I’m just playin’.
Mr. C: I know.
K: I only egged her because she got smart with me.
Mr. C: Well egging a car is bad for the paint. It could be property damage.
K: It’s bad for the car?
Mr. C: Yeah.  If the egg dries on the paint, it could chip when you try to clean it off.
K: Ah shit, well she prolly gonna have messed up paint. I did it at night.